| In a time when everything from artificial tans to calf implants has become culturally acceptable, for some reason genitals usually get left out of the body-decoration process. The only real option until recently was choosing between carpet or hardwood floors. Not anymore! Now you have exciting options like ... #7. Vajazzling   Have fun with that mental image, folks. We're talking about gluing sharp and pointy objects to your crotch. There's no way any of these could come loose and wind up in, uh, an uncomfortable place, right? After all, the crotch-bedazzling process is done only by professionals, so ... oh, wait -- no. Here's VDIY vajazzling kits right here!   Classy!  #6. Bulge-Enhancing Underwear   Yeah guy, you're cool now. While bulge-enhancing underwear is the equivalent of your balls moving into a mansion, there is surprisingly no room in there for anatomical accuracy. Most of the packages on these briefs look less like actual dongs and more like one of your ass cheeks got lost on the front of your body. They are such absurd and ill-defined lumps that any woman with rudimentary knowledge of male genitalia should absolutely be concerned for the health of the wearer. At the risk of getting too graphic, some of these brands either forgot or don't care that the base of most wangs isn't directly below the belly button.  "SIR, PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR." #5. The Cuchini Cameltoe-Hiding Apparatus  According to the manufacturers, the Cuchini is meant to cover the ridges of the mons pubis area, providing a smooth and camouflaged appearance. So, yeah, basically a pillow you stick in your bikini bottom in order to spare yourself from the supposed crippling embarrassment of owning a vagina.  The Cuchini uses adhesive to stay in place, and you're going to be using it in water. We're going to say that either they're using an adhesive so strong you wouldn't want it anywhere near your lady parts, or that this thing is going to slip around. Maybe it'll roll up and make the wearer look like she's hiding way more than a cameltoe. The mascot for Cuchini is also worth mentioning because it, like the product itself, hides the taboo tools of human sexuality behind something exponentially more bizarre. We're fairly certain the mascot is supposed to be an anthropomorphized camel, but it looks more like a woman with a shaved giraffe's head, mangled fingers and a snapped neck.  #4. The BibHanger Genital Weighting System  And so we arrive at the subject of the BibHanger. Behold:   "Yeah, I'm sitting pretty at 11 inches right now. I can't ever have another erection, but whatevs. Totally worth it." Some active hangers might want to make the argument that unlike most training programs, the BibHanger actually has a chance of increasing their penile length and even girth. And while they're quick to point out that the process is very similar to bodybuilding, what they leave out is that achieving any visible results at all will take years. Years of dangling junk from your junk. Years of maintaining a risky workout program where one little mistake can and will incapacitate your dick, forever. In other words, hanging is for life. This seems a bit redundant, as women -- even those impressed by penis size alone -- tend to become uncomfortable when their man periodically hangs stuff from his junk in their living room.  An actual BibHanger training program. Neon Pubic Dyes  A handy way of offering your significant other some variety without having to bother with all that "shaving" nonsense, these marvelous pube dyes are available in subtle, natural colors like green and pink.  "Finally!" Have you ever dyed your hair at home? It's tricky, the results are unpredictable and there are all manner of potential side effects, none of which you really want to associate with your crotch -- which, we'd like to remind you, is approximately a gazillion times more sensitive than your scalp. Then again, if you're the type of person dyeing your vagina electric green, you're probably already an old hand at coping with pain.  Now with free stencils! On Bridal Betty (which is exactly what you imagine): Something old, something new, something borrowed and now that something blue can be you, and your bottle of Bridal Betty Malibu Blue! On Sunburst Betty: Transform your downstairs hair into a ball of sunlight that will truly brighten up a birthday or other special occasion! You might need sunglasses when confronted with the radiance of Betty Sunburst Orange, such is the force of its luminous qualities.  Above: Either a vagina or a solar flare. #2. Vatooing   Longer, if you aren't a big fan of showers. Vatooing lasts for a week, assuming there is no friction -- friction that might occur from, say, sex or wearing clothes. So while there may be a point in turning female genitalia into something even more worth seeing and even more untouchable, we have no idea what said point could be; men already have a way to see vaginas they can't touch. It's called the Internet. Also, here are a few of the stunning displays of craftsmanship responsible for the dry spell of each girl who goes under the gun:   #1. Genital Bleaching   All pigment must go! And yes, of course you can do it yourself, in the comfort of your own home. But wait, there's more! Should you, for some petty reason, be wary of subjecting your soft tissues to detergents, you can also dye the area with the hue of your choice.  Fun fact: My New Pink Button can also be used for nipples. The bleach, too. The Drawbacks: My New Pink Button has a reputation for hurting like hell.  But at least no one will mock the color of her vagina. |
