7 Bizarre Products for Dressing Up Your Genitals

In a time when everything from artificial tans to calf implants has become culturally acceptable, for some reason genitals usually get left out of the body-decoration process. The only real option until recently was choosing between carpet or hardwood floors. Not anymore! Now you have exciting options like ... #7. Vajazzling Originally a high-end spa treatment where a wax job was finished by attaching Swarovski crystals in decorative patterns to the waxed area, vajazzling was introduced to the mainstream by Jennifer Love Hewitt, who is apparently something of a matron saint of this and a huge aficionado herself. Have fun with that mental image, folks. The Drawbacks: We're talking about gluing sharp and pointy objects to your crotch. There's no way any of these could come loose and wind up in, uh, an uncomfortable place, right? After all, the crotch-bedazzling process is done only by professionals, so ... oh, wait -- no. Here's VDIY vajazzling kits right here! The art of pimping the poontang by gluing glittery stones to it could -- and should -- have remained an exclusive and expensive form of madness reserved for the rich, jaded and unnecessarily masochistic. But apparently after the lovely Miss Hewitt broke the news to the public, someone smelled money and brought it to the masses. Classy! And because everything apparently needs to be horribly, horribly unisex, there are also male versions of this called, no shit, penazzling ... It may seem absurd but we guarantee that right now there's one misguided individual out there who is grabbing the nearest bottle of glue and rhinestones right now. #6. Bulge-Enhancing Underwear Where most women make every effort to be discreet about the whole crotch area (more on that in a moment), men seem to be decidedly more gung-ho about reminding the world they have genitals. Bulge-enhancing underwear is easily the most mainstream item on this list, with large store chains and big-name designers fighting to sell you their particular brands of synthetic testicular elephantiasis. You can even get dick-enhancing swimwear, to make everyone at the pool party extremely uncomfortable. Yeah guy, you're cool now. The Drawbacks: While bulge-enhancing underwear is the equivalent of your balls moving into a mansion, there is surprisingly no room in there for anatomical accuracy. Most of the packages on these briefs look less like actual dongs and more like one of your ass cheeks got lost on the front of your body. They are such absurd and ill-defined lumps that any woman with rudimentary knowledge of male genitalia should absolutely be concerned for the health of the wearer. At the risk of getting too graphic, some of these brands either forgot or don't care that the base of most wangs isn't directly below the belly button. "SIR, PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR." #5. The Cuchini Cameltoe-Hiding Apparatus As we alluded to, women have the opposite problem of the crotch-enhancing males. Thus we have the Cuchini, a device for the ladies designed to hide cameltoe when they're wearing bathing suits. According to the manufacturers, the Cuchini is meant to cover the ridges of the mons pubis area, providing a smooth and camouflaged appearance. So, yeah, basically a pillow you stick in your bikini bottom in order to spare yourself from the supposed crippling embarrassment of owning a vagina. The Drawbacks: The Cuchini uses adhesive to stay in place, and you're going to be using it in water. We're going to say that either they're using an adhesive so strong you wouldn't want it anywhere near your lady parts, or that this thing is going to slip around. Maybe it'll roll up and make the wearer look like she's hiding way more than a cameltoe. The mascot for Cuchini is also worth mentioning because it, like the product itself, hides the taboo tools of human sexuality behind something exponentially more bizarre. We're fairly certain the mascot is supposed to be an anthropomorphized camel, but it looks more like a woman with a shaved giraffe's head, mangled fingers and a snapped neck. One that can also, evidently, fart stars. #4. The BibHanger Genital Weighting System When we say that devices like this are intended to make your penis bigger, let's make it clear that they are purely cosmetic. Penis lengtheners and even surgeries can make your junk look bigger, perhaps, but their effect on the actual boner is questionable and, at worst, horrifying. And so we arrive at the subject of the BibHanger. Behold: You may not know what you're looking at there, until you see the "weight attachment" hook at the bottom. That torture trap is just the commercial version of a trend in the penis-enlargement community. "Hanging" is just what it sounds like: You hang weights from your penis to make it look bigger. Knowingly taking countless actual, horrible health risks ranging from simple to "oh God this can never be undone." "Yeah, I'm sitting pretty at 11 inches right now. I can't ever have another erection, but whatevs. Totally worth it." The Drawbacks: Some active hangers might want to make the argument that unlike most training programs, the BibHanger actually has a chance of increasing their penile length and even girth. And while they're quick to point out that the process is very similar to bodybuilding, what they leave out is that achieving any visible results at all will take years. Years of dangling junk from your junk. Years of maintaining a risky workout program where one little mistake can and will incapacitate your dick, forever. In other words, hanging is for life. This seems a bit redundant, as women -- even those impressed by penis size alone -- tend to become uncomfortable when their man periodically hangs stuff from his junk in their living room. An actual BibHanger training program. Another scary thing: The BibHanger is the safest option. The Internet is full of instructions for building your very own dick rack from scratch, like this one made from tube socks, shoelaces, empty milk bottles and the subliminal whispering of Castratia, the goddess of severance. Neon Pubic Dyes Are your carpet and curtains naturally mismatched? Do your genitals want to express their punk individuality and show that they don't cater to society's stodgy conventions? Don't worry -- Betty Beauty pubic hair dyes are here for you. A handy way of offering your significant other some variety without having to bother with all that "shaving" nonsense, these marvelous pube dyes are available in subtle, natural colors like green and pink. "Finally!" The Drawbacks: Have you ever dyed your hair at home? It's tricky, the results are unpredictable and there are all manner of potential side effects, none of which you really want to associate with your crotch -- which, we'd like to remind you, is approximately a gazillion times more sensitive than your scalp. Then again, if you're the type of person dyeing your vagina electric green, you're probably already an old hand at coping with pain. Now with free stencils! Most notable, however, are the various ways that Betty Beauty spins its product line as something other than pure torture and clown-bush. Here are some excerpts from the boxes: On Bridal Betty (which is exactly what you imagine): Something old, something new, something borrowed and now that something blue can be you, and your bottle of Bridal Betty Malibu Blue! On Sunburst Betty: Transform your downstairs hair into a ball of sunlight that will truly brighten up a birthday or other special occasion! You might need sunglasses when confronted with the radiance of Betty Sunburst Orange, such is the force of its luminous qualities. Above: Either a vagina or a solar flare. The thing is, if this or any product could really make our crotch shine with such "radiance" that other people would need sunglasses to look at it, we'd own it already. Maybe move to some remote part of the world and convince the natives to worship our magical genitals. #2. Vatooing Despite what the name may suggest, vatooing has nothing to do with inky needles and questionable drunken decisions. It's a process where the picture or wording of your choice is painstakingly airbrush-painted onto your lady bits, turning them into a seven-day art exhibition. Longer, if you aren't a big fan of showers. The Drawbacks: Vatooing lasts for a week, assuming there is no friction -- friction that might occur from, say, sex or wearing clothes. So while there may be a point in turning female genitalia into something even more worth seeing and even more untouchable, we have no idea what said point could be; men already have a way to see vaginas they can't touch. It's called the Internet. Also, here are a few of the stunning displays of craftsmanship responsible for the dry spell of each girl who goes under the gun: As quick note to women everywhere: A spider climbing out of your crotch is about as effective a form of birth control as a chastity belt. #1. Genital Bleaching Ever heard of anal bleaching? The trend where you let people rub cleaning agents on your anus until it shines white? Turns out that's not all you can bleach. All pigment must go! Yes, if earlier you decided you wouldn't be satisfied with just changing the color of your pubes, you can totally bleach the brown hell out of the actual flesh on your genitalia. And yes, of course you can do it yourself, in the comfort of your own home. But wait, there's more! Should you, for some petty reason, be wary of subjecting your soft tissues to detergents, you can also dye the area with the hue of your choice. My New Pink Button, which is simultaneously the most accurate and the most horrifying product name we've ever heard, allows you to choose from four colors, not all of which -- if any -- are all that normal. One, in fact, flat-out admits to be basically vaginal lipstick. Fun fact: My New Pink Button can also be used for nipples. The bleach, too. The Drawbacks: My New Pink Button has a reputation for hurting like hell. But at least no one will mock the color of her vagina. As for bleaching, the drawback is ... everything. Don't do it. The bleach has horrific side effects. Hydroquinone and kojic acid -- both common ingredients in skin bleaches -- can cause some itchiness and rashes, but also liver, kidney, reproductive, cardiovascular, gastrointestinal and respiratory problems, and even cancer.

Most Craziest Job : Cleaner Stand out on the narrow ledge and holding the frame on 34th floor of a tower Cleaning window on Jumeirah Beach, Dubai

When he spotted a mark on his apartment window, this chap just had to pop out to give the glass a quick wipe with a squeegee.

Nothing odd about that – except that he lives 400ft up on the 34th floor of a tower block in Jumeirah Beach, Dubai.

He stepped out on to the narrow ledge and, holding the frame, stretched across to wipe away the annoying smudge.



Hell for leather: A window cleaner, circled, takes his life into his own hands on the 34th floor of a Jumeirah Beach apartment block

As he takes his life into his hands, at least he has the sense to hold on to the window frame, even if it is by his fingertips, as he goes about his task.

He was snapped making sure the windows were sparkling by a resident in a neighbouring apartment block.

A resident of a neighbouring block who took these pictures said: ‘The professional cleaners have safety harnesses and cradles and helmets. He had nothing.’

When it comes to safety among its massive immigrant workforce, the Dubai authorities have a dubious record.

Conditions in which immigrants are expected to work has been a subject of discussion in the United Arab Emirates for many years.

Yet the majority of these employees have no voice, especially when it comes to their own safety. They are also aware that, if they are deported, there are thousands of others willing to take their place.

Stange Body Modification and Body Piercings From Around the World

People get piercings for every reason, from tradition all the way to rebellion. Different kinds of piercings can be found all around the world, but one thing that we can be sure of is that piercings from some countries are unique and very bizarre.

The woman shown above is Brazilian lady Elaine Davidson, who currently holds the world record for being the most pierced woman in the world. She has 720 piercings and counting. She currently lives in Scotland

Rather than getting piercings that excel in quantity, sometimes the bizarre factor is accentuated in quality. The Vegetarian Festival in Phuket, Thailand involves the extreme piercing of Ma Song or religious devotees to the festivals, who stick everything from swords to bikes in their cheeks. They do this so they can shift evil from the community onto themselves.


Luis Aguero from Havana, Cuba was previously the most pierced man in the world. He has 230 piercings, and 175 are on his face alone!


In Africa, earlobe stretching is a custom within the Maasai tribe, located in Kenya and Northern Tanzania. This kind of stretching is more common amongst the women than the men of the tribe. They often use stones, thorns, and twigs to create these piercings, and to begin the stretching.


In northwest India, the Meghwal women show their status with their nose piercings. Married women often wear gold nose rings, and the size of the nose ring shows their status in society. The bigger the nose ring is, the more important they are in their society.

In the United States, piercings are mostly used for simply aesthetic purposes rather than for tradition or custom. The girl above has vertical labret piercings, and a nose piercing. As piercings are becoming more and more acceptable in society, and the professional environment, more and more Americans are getting piercings. Although it may look bizarre to some, to the people who choose this path, it is a way of life, and what they believe. To them piercings mean more than just holes in their bodies filled with metal - they symbolise tradition, decoration, and custom.

Strange Festivals and Crazy Celebrations

Almost as good as "The Festival of the Freshwater Squid" (see here)

As one travels the globe and observes the variety of fairs, festivals, and frivolities, it becomes clear that: 1) the concepts of "weird, strange, bizarre" are really in the eyes of the beholder - and 2) that all humans, no matter where we live, are more than just a bit bonkers.


Making a big deal out of "throwing things"

Although human behavior doesn't vary much, the methods of public celebrations certainly do.

For some baffling reason, for instance, people like to throw things. And depending on the country, what they throw is likely to be different. In Binche, a small town in Belgium, the projectile of choice is a fruit. On Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday before Ash Wednesday Binche the town is visited by masked figures called Gilles who – later on in the festivities – carry large baskets of oranges through the town. Many of these oranges are calmly, orderly, handed to residents as well as tourists. Others, though, are rather vigorously … well, thrown at wary residents and unfortunate tourists.
Another "Battle of the Oranges", in Ivrea, Italy:
Meanwhile, if you happen to be in Buñol, Spain, on the last Wednesday in August, you also might want to duck as the fruit thrown there – while not as hard or potentially damaging as an orange – can still sting a bit. What's fun about La Tomatina at Buñol isn't just the hurled tomatoes but that the town, which normally has a population around 10,000, swells to closer to 60,000 as folks from all over come to throw -- and get thrown at.




Other Splendid Festivities

Fortunately, not all festivals in the world include hurled objects. Some just have unique themes. Japan's Hōnen Matsuri is a fertility festival, uniquely celebrated in the city of Komaki. By unique we mean prodigious, tumescent, large, and … okay, enough with the jokes, especially since the object of the fertility being celebrated is that certain part of the male anatomy. A similar festival is also held in Kawasaki, called Kanamara Matsuri. See images here - warning, nsfw.

While nothing is thrown, and nothing terribly phallic is evident, there's a festival that absolutely has to be mentioned: an event featuring tremendous beauty that ends with ashes and smoke.

Around the middle of March, the city of Valencia, Spain, has a festival called Falles – a celebration of Saint Joseph. But long before the Falles, Valencia, the third largest city in Spain, begins to prepare: neighborhoods and a wide variety of organizations form groups called Casal Fallers who raise money for their own contributions to the festivities.

It's these contributions that make the event so incredible. Each group – working from a common theme selected for that year – creates a ninot, or puppet. Fashioned from paper, wax, Styrofoam, and a few other materials, ninots are whimsical, outrageous, profane, comical, political, and every one is incredibly beautiful.
The artisans of Valencia have had a very long time to perfect their craft, and it shows in each and every ninot (see a whole bunch here). Each figure and tableau is a hallucinatory mixture of a Renaissance masterpiece and a three-dimensional cartoon. Each one, too, is frequently a wildly executed satirical jab at everything from politics to tradition, from pop culture to the Falles celebrants themselves. Nothing is sacred, nothing is spared.


If you happen to be in Taihape, New Zealand, things will be flying through the air but none of them – at least as far as we know – have been thrown at anyone. Nevertheless, a festival where people try to throw a gumboot as far as possible could pose some risks to passersby and participants alike.
A landscape nearby is seemingly made to be explored in these gumboots (provided you can catch some free ones):
"Oni wa soto! Fuku wa uchi!" are words you might want to keep an ear open for if you're in Japan during Setsubun, and happen to see a member of your household holding a handful of roasted soybeans. Mamemaki is the term for it, and "Oni wa soto! Fuku wa uchi!" ("Demons out! Luck in!") is what is traditionally said before the beans are thrown out the front door – or at another member of the family (maybe even at the house cat):

If you happen to be in India during Holi, the festival of color, you also might want to avoid wearing your best suit of clothes. As part of the celebration, a brightly dyed powder called abir is merrily thrown everywhere – and especially at each other.


Then come the fires, and then the ashes. Yes, you guessed correctly: each and every minot, every figure and tableau is lit – exploding into the night sky in a roaring conclusion called La Cremà. In the morning there is nothing but ashes, and the memory of the wonders of the falles.

Boryeong Mud Festival, South Korea:


One of the weirdest festivals of all time - El Colacho in Spain. On this occasion grown men are jumping over the new born babies. Yes, very carefully (mothers do not seem to protest). They do it to get rid of any unknown evil spirits that might hide in these babies:
Cheese Rolling, Cooper's Hill, Gloucestershire, England:
Chocolate Festival in Kiev, Ukraine (with a huge chocolate fountain on the left):
Prayer for rain during Varuna Yajna ritual, at Sankara Mattham, India:
Lorraine Mondial Air Balloons Festival in Chambley, France:
Gothic and Steampunk Festival in Leipzig, Germany (Wave-Gotik-Treffen, WGT):


A neat little dance at the Kasedori Festival (a fire-prevention festival) at Kaminoyama, Japan: