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FORKS, Wash. -- Those Goldman Sachs bankers taking home millions in bonuses could take a few lessons from the richest man in fiction, Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Unlike those bankers, Cullen has avoided populist ire by hiding his $34.1 billion personal fortune from charities, the I.R.S. and, until now, Forbes' intrepid imaginary billionaire hunters.
"It took you long enough to find me," Cullen, 370, said when approached at his home in Forks, Wash., before peeling off in his Mercedes S55 AMG. Sources tell us he is headed to Volterra, Italy, or possibly to Isle Esme, the private island he bought for his wife, Esme, just off the coast of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil...
Sources who requested anonymity out of fear of retaliation say that an unruly troop of London vampires converted Cullen into a vampire in 1663 (the alleged vampires did not return repeated calls for comment)...
But Cullen has bigger things than his medical license and an ongoing I.R.S. audit to worry about, namely, his old benefactors. The Volturi have laws, or really, just one law, to being a vampire: You must keep a low profile. They forbid exposure. Forbes could not reach Aro, Marcus or Caius Volturi for comment, but was able to reach Felix, a member of their security detail.
Asked how he and his employers planned to deal with Cullen's recent exposure, Felix would only offer, "Dibs."
Want to shed some pounds and need some incentive? Well if you are loving Twilight this chart with inspirational *air quotes* words of wisdom are for you. Print out and use this really cool and totally hysterical chart to keep you working towards your weight loss goal from Breaking Through...Right now it is a tracking board to help keep us motivated through our challenge to meet our weight loss goals. Anyone can use it as motivation in their own weight loss journey. As it progresses we will be adding more elements. We weight in weekly. We divided the 12 week challenge into 4 phases, 1 for every book. There are goals for every book, you or/and your team can decide the goals, our goals for example are: Twilight Phase, eat an apple everyday. New Moon phase: Cut back those calories to 1200, "suffer" along with Bella. Eclipse Phase: get in 1 hour of activity a day to train with the Cullens. Breaking Dawn Phase: Drink 1 glass of pure unsweetened cranberry juice a day, like the blood Bella has to drink. Whoever loses the highest percentage wins. We are already working on making it a kit with other fun additions.
This decision to avoid the series has been on purpose. My mother is a huge 'Twi-hard,' as fans of the books and movies call themselves; she even referred to her love of 'Twilight' in a speech she gave to 800 people at our synagogue this year.My little sister, who hates reading like a vegan hates cheesecake, devoured the books and has a Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart poster on her door.
The thing is, 'Twilight' is maddeningly intriguing. The fan base is so devoted and rabidthat it makes me wonder why. My mother is a smart, college-educated lawyer -- not some gullible, love-starved housewife or tween I'd assumed this series was written for. If she likes 'Twilight,' the series must have merit, right?
Hence, this project was born. I, Gaby Dunn, once a complete 'Twilight' virgin, am going to watch the three films in the franchise so far -- 'Twilight,' 'New Moon' and'Eclipse' -- in honor of the 'Eclipse' DVD release on December 4.
"10 thinks I think I know about Twilight"
1. There's a family of vampires.
They're all pretty and high-school aged. They somehow continue to repeat the same grade and never age but no one notices.
2. A new girl, Bella, moves to town.
She's also pretty, but she's really plain. Then, she meets Edward and they fall in love, but he's all, "We can't be together!" and she doesn't know why. He can also smell her blood. I think.
3. She figures out he's a vampire pretty easily.
And instead of running the other way, she is super into it.
4. Everyone's real pale.
I don't know if this is ever addressed, but in every still from the movies, it looks like the characters are being propped up 'Weekend at Bernie's'-style. Even the characters that aren't vampires are super-white. Is this like 'Lost'? Is the twist that they've all been dead the whole time?
5. There's a character named Jacob.
Oh my god, it is like 'Lost'! Only this Jacob is a werewolf or I guess, a shape-shifter if you want to get technical. He also loves Bella but then ends up being a pedophile. I'm not sure what plot point this is mocking, but I've heard people say it and I can't wait to find out.
6. Dakota Fanning is in it.
She's a bad guy with red eyes. Like a creepy 'Omen' child or something. I think maybe she leads the bad guys.
7. One redheaded actress got replaced with another.
Bryce Dallas Howard now plays some part that another girl used to play. I don't think it was an important role, though, since I don't know her character's name; but the switch was apparently controversial.
8. Edward does a lot of crazy stuff like take the engine out of Bella's car and make her jump off a cliff.
I think this is all in the name of love, for some insane reason.
9. Sex is a weird thing.
I think one or more characters were raped in the past. Bella really wants to sleep with Edward but he's afraid of hurting her. Like in every horror film ever, I'm guessing the slutty characters always die. I'm already running out of things I know.
10. Oh, wait! Can Bella read minds?
No, that's 'True Blood.' Um. But there's a part with mind-reading, right? Is it Edward that can read minds? Oh boy, looks like I know even less than I thought I did.
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